An update of sorts.

I've decided to change the way this is going. I'm not just going to talk about losing weight (or trying to) anymore. It's about life and what's going on in it. And today, I'm stressed. Really stressed. Always about money. And I'm so tired of it. There's so much to say, but I don't have the words to describe it all. I just want to spend all my time crocheting and not talking to anyone.

I'm working on a cute owl hat. It's just about finished, I've got the ears and the nose thing left. Then just to assemble it all. This is supposed to be relaxing, but I'm just so tired.

*sigh* :(

ACE works. Now if only it wasn't so damn expensive.

Lost an inch in my waist! Not a huge deal, but hey, one inch closer is better than none! The pills are about $1 each, plus tax and shipping. Yeah, a lot to shell out for a college kid working at a fabric store, living away from home, and making a car payment. But I'm determined to find a way. Those pills are wonderful. I have so much energy and I'm not hungry all day long-- even when I'm stressed.
That's all I have for now. Just working, trying to get by. Y'know, the usual things.

Lack of motivation leads to lack of progress: ALWAYS.

That pretty much sums up the past two weeks. I was so excited to get started and get the weight off. And then reality set in and I didn't have time to go to the store, I didn't have time to plan meals, didn't have time to exercise. I didn't have time to do anything other than work. So here I am, at the end of May and still in the same exact boat. The wrong one!

I got some ACE pills in the mail today. $9 for 6 pills. If they actually work, I may have to invest in the 60 count bottle. They're supposed to suppress your appetite and give you energy. We'll see. I'll try to keep up with my experience on here, but no promises.

That's all I have for now. I need some motivation and someone that's been in my shoes to help me figure out where the hell I need to start. This journey is not going to be an easy one.

The first step is the hardest, right?

That's what everyone always says at least. "The first step is the most difficult," "It gets easier.." "Admitting you've got a problem is the first step.."

That last one is the one I'm going with. The first step is admitting I have a problem. Plain and simple, right? Wrong. Completely, 100%, absolutely full of shit, wrong. (Just a warning now, there will be profanity. I'm 20, this is 2012. I'm going to keep it to a minimum because I don't have a mouth like a sailor. But I'm not going to censor everything. Deal with it, please.) Admitting to myself that I have a problem is the most complicated thing I've had to do. But I'm able to recognize it, accept it, and now I'm ready to change it.

I'm overweight. Always have been. It's something I've dealt with my entire life, but I'm not willing to let it end my life. In this day and age, I shouldn't be worrying about making it 40 because my body isn't healthy enough to get there. At my heaviest, right now, I weigh about 330 pounds. That's a tough number to see. But it's even tougher to be this size. It's a bother to walk up the one flight of stairs to my apartment. I don't like shopping because nothing ever fits. I avoid mirrors because I know I won't like what I see. And what the hell for? I'm 20 freaking years old! I should be out having a good time, enjoying my youth. Not sitting at home feeling miserable, trying to figure out what I can do to pass the time before work or school. So I'm not going to anymore.

I'm going grocery shopping in the morning, after I clean out the fridge and pantry. If it's sugary, it's gone. Pasta? No ma'am, unless it's whole wheat (which I think is gross and tastes like sand). I'm probably going to have a little heart attack as I realize how much money I'm essentially throwing away while doing this, but there's no way I can start this solution with a bunch of crap in my kitchen.

So I'm saying goodbye to my 330 lb body. Goodbye to my size 26 pants, to the 44DD bras, to the double chin, chubby cheeks, thunder thighs, flabby arms, and round tummy. I'm leaving it all behind and moving forward. To a (hopefully) size 14 pants, (at least) 185 lb body, toned thighs, arms, and tummy, and the happiness that is going to fill me when I look in a mirror and am pleased with what I see. (Can't say much about the boobs, I know they're going to shrink, but I don't know how much. I like my chest, but less will be wonderful.)

So this is the first step. I'm saying goodbye to everything I know, and stepping out into a world of healthy lifestyle choices and a better quality of life. Is it going to be hard? Without a doubt, yes. Am I going to want to quit? Oh yes. Am I going to get disappointed along the way? Of course. But am I going to regret it? No. And I going to die from it? No. Is it going to be worth it? Yes.

I have to lose to gain. And it all starts here.